US Bombs

U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLANDAND BREAK-AWAY
PROVINCE OF N. IRELANDThe White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all
outbombing offensive against England would begin in two weeks, unless Englandand its
breakaway province of Northern Ireland ratify a peace accord.  Along with liberating
Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary institutes would be fair
game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peacekeeping troops will be sent in to ensure
that all dentists an operate safely and withoutthe threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided toadd, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.

A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration
would intervene in the following areas:

Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily
bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds.  Oh yeah, let's not
forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing
Tutsis.

Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,and end the
argument over whether socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, alsoto shut up the people at
PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were bullied.

Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and
razors.

Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the confederate of Southern States,
held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary to possibly
run for.

Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be recognized
as a "real" state. "This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the USwould bomb Beijing in order
to free Tibet she responded, "something that practicalwould never be on a military agenda."